Aries: Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
Taurus: Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that’s primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
Gemini: Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”
Cancer: Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
Leo: They say it’s impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
Virgo: Nobody understands the excruciating pain you’re going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and on about it is torture of a whole different kind.
Libra: You’ll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
Scorpio: The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else’s night.
Sagittarius: It’s not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
Capricorn: The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—-what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
Aquarius: Paved roads aren’t exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
Pisces: You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you’ll be sleeping from now on.
(Source: The Onion)